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How NOT to do Kitchen Chemistry

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Blue-Eyed Devil...
Jun 25, 2006
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by: Bill Roberts

So, you don't know where to get nice, genuine pharmaceutical steroids? Concerned about "sting" operations by pesky DEA agents? Worried about the local zit-riddled gym freak selling you bad stuff? Is that what's troubling you, Bunky? Faced by these problems, you might have a brainstorm:

"I know! I'll do it myself, in my kitchen! After all, if you want something done right, ya' gotta' do it yourself, right?"

Luckily, or not-so luckily, there's no shortage of advice on how to do it. Furthermore, there's no shortage of supply, either, since there are all kinds of folks selling steroid-containing cattle implants. You can see it now, Rod Serling intoning:

"Your next stop — The Hugeness Zone."

With visions of lust-crazed heifers chasing your implant-enhanced bod, you break out the ol' saucepan and try out the latest kitchen-chemistry advice. The trouble is, which recipe should you follow?

Unfortunately, most of these renegade recipes are written by people who just don't know what they're talking about. Ask them what a beaker or flask is for, and they'd probably have no idea, although I'm sure some would assume that they're used for bizarre sexual scenarios. Much of what they say is just plain wrong. Worse, they've never verified the validity of their procedures. I've yet to see where they've sent the product of their "purification" process off for analysis, so they have no way of knowing if they really purified their stuff or not. Any legitimate chemist can tell you that you always have to analyze your product to see what you've synthesized.

So we're going to look at some of these lunatic ideas and see where they fall short. Maybe in the process, you'll get some information on how one might be able to do all of this safely. I wouldn't recommend it, though. But, with that said, on with the show!

Finaplix-H

This cattle implant contains 20 mg of trenbolone acetate (TA) per pellet, with ten pellets per dose and ten doses per pack, for a total of two grams per pack — a lot of anabolic horsepower. But that's not all. It also contains a filler which is insoluble in oil — sort of a gritty, sandy material — and a binder or glue that holds it all together.

As Billie Bob Redneck so patiently explained in his Moo! article from Issue 49 of Testosterone, you inject this-here stuff — binders, filler, TA, and all — into the ears of your cattle to make them grow faster. 'Course, them cattle don't have to live real long after this implant, just a few months. So no one really knows how this stuff affects the cattle in the long run. Plus, no one really cares what happens at the site of implantation. And the dose per pound of animal is very low compared to what bodybuilders want to use.

So are the binders safe for human injection? I don't know. Their use in livestock doesn't prove to me that they must be safe over the long term, at the site of injection if injected repeatedly, or at the doses used by bodybuilders. If I knew what the binders were, then I could give a better answer. However, no one in bodybuilding seems to know.

With that in mind, I'd personally be wary of injecting them and would want some way to remove them.

Now, Billie Bob disagrees with me on this. He was hard to get in touch with — you'll recall that after bulking himself up with Fina, he won the local 4H show and was summarily slaughtered. But somehow I got an email from him anyway, objecting to my concerns about safety of the binders. He insisted:

"But we eat the cattle, and the ears are used for dog chewies! So if the binders were bad, they wouldn't be allowed."

Uh...okay, Billie Bob. He might be right, or he might not. Your call.

Anyway, on to the reported methods of illegally administering Finaplix to humans (and it sure as heck is illegal).

The guru speaks

Dan Duchaine launched the Finaplix craze with a pioneering article in Muscle Media 2000. Ah, the excitement and headiness of those days! Dan said that all you had to do was dissolve Finaplix pellets in hot methanol, run it through a coffee filter to remove the filler and binders, evaporate off the methanol, and obtain "pure crystals of trenbolone acetate." Voil?!

But I don't think that Dan ever tried this. Here are some problems:

• The methanol not only dissolves the TA, but also the binders.

• The formula calls for far more methanol than necessary.

• Hot methanol is a fire hazard — a very serious fire hazard. In the presence of a flame or spark, fumes from hot methanol are easily ignited. And where are you going to heat your methanol? On the stove, right? Hey, you may get away with it, but make sure that you paid the insurance this month and the family is out of the house, okay?

• The binders love to clog up filters, so you may not be able to get your solution through. This might be possible with a really coarse filter, though. But people have reported getting only a little methanol through, then having the remaining mess stay in their filter. I should also mention that even though the binder clogs up filters, a lot of the binders manage to get through.

• Ever try to evaporate off 100 ml of methanol? If you don't have a way to put it under vacuum, you have a problem...unless you don't mind waiting days or weeks.

The result of this will be a solid, at best, which contains both TA and binders, as well as probably dust and dirt. A coffee filter simply can't strain these out.

And what to do with this solid? Dan suggested applying it to the skin with DMSO. Well, to explain the problems here, I need to explain how human skin protects from having your insides ooze out and from having outside stuff ooze into you.

A new layer of skin cells is grown every day, down in the living part of the skin. This pushes up the older layers, which are either dying or already dead. The dead ones have transformed themselves into hard, stiff "bricks" of keratin. This material is almost impermeable — nothing is going to go through it easily.

Around these bricks is a "mortar" of very thin, alternating layers of waxy material and water. This outside layer of the skin is called the stratum corneum. To get an idea of the structure of this layer, picture the "mortar" between the "bricks" as being a hundred times thinner than the bricks. For things to get through the stratum corneum, they have to diffuse through the mortar, working their way around the bricks. This is hard to do, and relatively little material can get through each square inch of skin under normal conditions.
Testosterone Vixen

DMSO works as a transdermal carrier by irreversibly destroying the structural integrity of the stratum corneum, making it almost wide open to let materials through.