Stressed out!

[Big-John]

More than anything I need to vent! I found out 2 years ago I have a 17yo daughter. I was seeing a girl on and off all through high school. Well she was dating someone our senior year and we still messed around next thing you know she's pregnant. I ask her at the time if it was mine and she told me over and over no. Well 2 years ago I started going to watch my little cuz play high school ball and see this girl cheering and she is a spitting image of my 11yo daughter. So it really started bothering me and I seen her mom out and ask her about it. She confessed she was mine but wanted me not to tell anyone because her current husband adopted her when she was young. I agreed it would mess this girls mind up and never said another word but man do I feel like crap and hurt to find out I had this kid and was never apart of her life. I think I done the right thing by leaving it alone because it would warp this kids mind. The crazy thing is I see her all the time. She was in my gym tonight during my entire workout with some high school boys. I guess I just needed to vent about it to you guys because no one else knows about it. It just hurts me to think I was never there.

 

[Sully]

Wow. That's seriously messed up. Not sure what to think about that situation. Hope everything works out ok for ya bro. I wouldn't know what to do if I found out I had a kid.

Is this something ur gonna have to hide from your current wife as well? That would really be tough.

Situation could be a lot worse, though. I work with a guy that got served paternity papers at work for a 16y/o daughter he didn't know about. Had a couple one nighters with her mom way back when and never heard from her again. Ended up, in court and he was ordered to pay 16 years of back child support. Plus the mom had filled her daughters head with lies about him abandoning her when she got pregnant, and all kinds of other stories to the point that the girl refuses to even meet him. He wants to have a relationship with the daughter he just found out about, but her mom spent the last decade turning her against him when she never even bothered to tell him she existed.

 

[d2r2ddd]

that is just so dramatic! what you can do now is be a good uncle/friend to her. Be her guardian angel fm far ....

 

[srd1]

Man this is kinda similar to my wife and her son. She had a one time thing with a friend. Got together with his "dad" soon after told him about it he raised him his whole life when he was 19 an aunt told him his dad may not be his dad...he was pretty upset that no one had told him there was a possibility that his dad wasnt his dad....i think you need to have a serious conversation with the mom dude if you want to be a part of the girls life you should have that right and the girl has a right to k ow and make her own decision wether or not she wants you in her life. If not i think it will bug you the rest of your life...just my opinion brother.

 

[Big-John]

Yeah I would love to be a part of her life but don't want to mess this girls head up. It's crazy because our paths always meet. Even after a ball game when I was talking with my cuz that played she ran up and ask if she could hold my youngest son because he is a baby. Of course I couldn't say no. But man I was a train wreck and last night at my gym I took my youngest daughter because they have a huge kids section with blow up houses arcades and so on. I got done lifting and went to get her and there they where. She was giving my little girl candy. I just get real nervous around her but I am gonna talk to her mom one more time. I did tell my wife that I may have a teen daughter before I talked to the girls mom. She was real supportive and said it is what it is and she would be there. After talking to the girls mom and her telling me not to say anything I just told my wife she said she didn't think it was mine and left it alone. But I'm sure my wife is not stupid. Like I said she looks just like one of my other daughters.

 

[Marshall]

Tough call, imo. She is still young and only knows her step-dad. Talk with the mother again, but I feel that it is ok if she matures a bit, gets out of the house (maybe college or starting her life) and then finds out and the two of you can connect if that's something she wants.

I guess in other words, I wouldn't rush or push things, and you haven't, which is the right thing to do.

Good luck !

 

[Big-John]

Tough call, imo. She is still young and only knows her step-dad. Talk with the mother again, but I feel that it is ok if she matures a bit, gets out of the house (maybe college or starting her life) and then finds out and the two of you can connect if that's something she wants.

I guess in other words, I wouldn't rush or push things, and you haven't, which is the right thing to do.

Good luck !

Yeah I feel like I would be selfish if I forced it. She has a awesome mom and step-dad. She is a bright and beautiful young girl to. If she ever does find out and still wouldn't want anything to do with me I would still want her to know that I was sorry and if I would have knew it then that I would have been there. I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

 

[Ironbuilt]

Wow Big John that is something and I am stessed thinking about that. One thing you could do is talk to a family phychologist and ask a pro the pros and cons of telling her but you are doing it right by not forcing the issue but I feel your issue. I just cant believe the mother would not say something when she was say 1yr old but whatever the reasons its past and im on the same page as Marshall reply.

 

[Big-John]

Wow Big John that is something and I am stessed thinking about that. One thing you could do is talk to a family phychologist and ask a pro the pros and cons of telling her but you are doing it right by not forcing the issue but I feel your issue. I just cant believe the mother would not say something when she was say 1yr old but whatever the reasons its past and im on the same page as Marshall reply.

The reason was is that she wanted her boyfriend at the time to be the dad and even told him he was and the girl. Well he never wanted her and she thinks he is still her real dad he does to but he wants nothing to do with her. Basically it's all her mom's fault. Her step dad came in the pic when she was around 5 or so.

 

[chaotichealth]

I feel kids and young adults are more resilient then adults give them credit for. Sure don't force it. But just for the sake of future health issues she has the right to know. What if one day she ends up dating a unknown family member and having kids? I'm not talking wrong turn or anything. But recessive gene become dominate genes and there is a greater health problems.

I would consider having my daugther becoming friends with her and seeing if they can figure it out on there own. But I tend to over think things since my doc put me on this Vyvanse

 

[rangerjockey]

Big John you are sort of a victim here, I would continue talking to her mom about gettting the truth out in the open. But remeber, more victims could be created here through the fall out. I had a similar situation too, my high school GF was someone elses daughter. The mother was filled with guilt for over 20 years and she finally confesed to her husbad and daughter that she had an affair. He thought all along this was her daugher and the GF thought all along this was her dad. After the confession there was lots of tears, bottom line was GF still considered him the dad. ALthough, she has no idea where the BIological dad is and doesnt care. I guess the point I am trying to make is let her mature and grow older, ITs really up to the mom. I feel for you reading your above comments, I have 3 kids too and I give them the world. YOu sound like a great father and someone who cares. GIve it time and best of luck to you! It will work it self out, you will see.

 

[Big-John]

Thanks ranger

 

[formula1069]

i don't know who my real parents are and don't really care , I am lucky to have/had (dad passed away) the parents I ended up with.
I don't have kids and don't want them either so my opion might not mean anything plus i wouldnt know how you feel either, but I would look at it this way and this is just me, but if things were different from the begining with her, you prob wouldn't be with the one you are with now and the kids you have now and I assume your happy with them and couldn't imagine life with out them either ?
Just my 2 cents which aint worht much

 

[lycan Venom]

One of my worst nightmares. I personally would have to step in and tell her. I found out i had a sister i never knew about after 16yrs and i was pissed i was never told. Now as a parent, it would be my duty/obligation to make sure that kid has everything in life i can give. Even though she has parents, another biological one cant hurt. What if she needs an organ and your daughter or yourself could help... idk, thats a mind fuck and im truly sorry this has happened. Maybe YHWH/GOD (yes im a religious man, and no i usually do not go around being a bible thumper) put you in this position to be there for her... i know deep down inside that girl is hurting knowing she has a biological father and he is missing. Keep us posted, some of us actually care about our fourum/online buddies.

 

[Big-John]

I'm a Christian to lycan and I have thought that for a while and even told her mom that. If things change after I talk to her mom I will post it for sure. They are good people here and that's why I posted it here.

 

[chaotichealth]

We are all brothers. In the gym and on here. We are here to support one and other

 

[Big-John]

Thanks chaotichealth

 

[Ironbuilt]

Shit!

 

[Ironbuilt]

i don't know who my real parents are and don't really care , I am lucky to have/had (dad passed away) the parents I ended up with.
I don't have kids and don't want them either so my opion might not mean anything plus i wouldnt know how you feel either, but I would look at it this way and this is just me, but if things were different from the begining with her, you prob wouldn't be with the one you are with now and the kids you have now and I assume your happy with them and couldn't imagine life with out them either ?
Just my 2 cents which aint worht much

Im your dad. We both got yetty forehead.

 

[xchewbaccax777]

Damn bro, just do what your heart tells you